Something about side-effects

So a few months back I realised that my allergy medications have actually been giving me mild-to-moderate depression for the past two years. Since then, life has a been a weird struggle, readjusting to the ups and downs that come with being a normal human being.

I remember ridiculous things from my teens that I thought I was over, like the time that one guy said this but I thought he meant THAT and oh god, the shame. Over the past few years I’ve no longer felt that faint tinge of embarrassment on remembering incidents like that. I thought maybe I was finally growing up and getting over that kind of stupid shit. Nope, turns out I’ve just been a drug-induced emotional cripple.

So, on figuring out that the hours I spend staring into space thnking about how useless I am are actually caused by medication, the challenge becomes finding a way to control my symptoms while remaining functional.

Loratadine was the drug that helped me breathe better but brought the depression on so slowly that I didn’t notice. Fexofenadine makes me hate everyone and want to hurt myself, with the added bonus that it doesn’t actually control my symptoms. Atarax does, but it also puts me to sleep within 90 minutes of taking one, which rather defeats the purpose of symptom-controlling medication. Benadryl is the latest one and so far, the most effective. It’s a pity really that it also makes me want to hurt myself as well as the sweaty-armpit strangers I have to share a train with during these summer journeys.

Since learning that these feelings come from meds and not myself, I find myself approaching them very differently. I used to sit around staring at the wall or watching shows on Netflix that I wasn’t really enjoying, just to distract myself. I’d think about how useless I was and wonder when I became such a pointless human being.

Now it’s become something to power through, trying to just get on with life while my liver clears the crap from my system. Like the worst kind of hangover – not bad enough to stay in bed but makes achieving anything a hundred times harder than it should be. Everything is overshadowed by “What’s the point? Why even bother? It’s just another fuck-up anyway. Stop wasting your time”

It’s been been 16 hours since my last anti-histamine. I don’t like this at all.

Edit: 7 hours later and I am feeling much more like a normal human being. I have also become one of those smelly-armpit strangers you have to share a train with.